When I was in middle and high school, I wasn’t suicidal, but I didn’t want to be there. I was honest with my mom about those feelings when they became a bit too much; I said, “Mama, I promise you that I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to be here.”
First, concert band, and then, marching band, saved my life. It was because of a few reasons:
- Band teachers are incredible and they make you feel like you matter.
- Playing music as a band is the definition of “being part of something that is bigger than yourself.”
- Band people are weird and many are outsiders who don’t quite fit in anywhere else; it felt like home.
I went to the Drum Corps International Southeastern Championship in Atlanta last night with my fiancé. When the first marching band started performing, I automatically started to cry. I had a strong feeling that I would cry because I even have trouble holding back tears while listening to old band toons on Spotify as well. Something as impactful and as meaningful as marching band was bound to have an effect on me.
The title of this post is “Marching band makes me sad and happy”. For the reasons I listed above, marching band made and makes me happy. For these reasons, it makes me sad:
- Present day, I no longer play any instruments. When I see bands perform, I feel like I’m missing out.
- I have some of my best memories take place during my marching band years because of the people I was experiencing it with; even though I am still friends with some of those people, it’s just not the same.
- My anxiety, depression, and identity issues were at their peak while I was in marching band. Marching band was my escape, but when the games, competitions, and bus rides were over, it was back to a life that I hated.
DCI was amazing. This was my second time, and I would 100% go again, maybe in a different state.
The Anxious Lesbian 