6/24/2022

It is currently June 24, 2022 and our patio is almost finished. I also just took the dog out to the front yard to pee and got catcalled on my own front door step. I have been “catcalled” one other time while on my own property; we had just moved into the new house last May, and I heard on the security camera the men who would be installing our washer and dryer ask each other if I was each other’s type. At the time, I was sitting inside of my office, at my desk, working. I remember feeling disgusted that they were looking at me in my own home and judging by my appearance in that moment whether or not I was their “type”.

I also just read about Roe v. Wade being overturned. I feel disappointment, sadness, and fear because I believes it is a gateway to overturning other rulings as well… I guess we will find out in time the damage this has already begun to do.

I will say one positive thing (other than our patio being almost complete): I just returned from a business trip with two of my colleagues and it really was a great time; we were in NY and CT. Our hotel was extremely dirty, but we weren’t given a big enough budget to get something nicer, so it wasn’t really our fault. The rental car was about $750 for 3 days… all of our food was covered by the company, though, so that was great. The best things that came of the trip was bonding with my team and meeting the hiring manager of our client to learn more about what they’re looking for.

Our dog, Bruce, is doing well. He does have some sort of allergies going on, so we’re trying to get that under control. He also has been whining a lot today, and I can’t figure out if it is because he is bored or because he needs something. I did try to take him out, but he just wanted to play ball. I also tried getting him a “mind game”, but it is in the shape of a big ball, so he only wanted to play fetch with it, not actually try to get the treats out of it. I would give him a bully stick or lick mat, but I don’t want to feed him too many calories. We can’t walk him as much during the summer because the pavement is too hot and it would burn his beans.

It’s not even lunch time yet, and the day has been pretty meh. Our roommate also has COVID, so we’ve been taking drinks and food to her. We went to the store yesterday and stocked up on OTC meds and Gatorade, especially since we don’t know if we will also get it since we all live on the same property. I did disinfect handles and light switches, but there’s only so much you can do.

I hope this weekend will provide some form of optimism for the future because I could use some.

May 2022

So, we have adopted our 5th foster dog, Bruce. He is a 9 year old golden retriever/lab mix. We are also (finally) getting a patio in 2 weeks.

I have also been at my new job for about 2 months now; I work for a European company once again, but instead of doing a variety of HR activities, I focus solely on recruiting. So far, so good. I am not so sure that I want to make a lifelong career out of recruiting, but for the time being I am enjoying the challenge of something new.

We just returned from a short trip to New Orleans; we made a point to do activities that were outside of the French Quarter and I am glad we did. Our dog stayed with my mom; I really appreciate having access to a family member that is so willing to help out in that way because boarding your dog is EXPENSIVE.

Our roommate may be moving out a few months earlier than planned, and I am wondering how strange it will feel for me, my fiancé, and our dog to be in our house alone for the first time. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve really enjoyed having our roommate (she’s been one of my best friends for about 10 years now), but it is cool to think about what we might do with that room; it will obviously function as a guestroom, but I also want it to be a functional room for us as well. We’ll see…

Bruce, our cutie.

Getting a little better…

I have had 2 therapy sessions since my last post. The past 3 days or so have been nice. Today, my partner also proposed that we go walking and eat ice cream this weekend, and I am excited for that. We are also making date night every Friday a priority, so that has been something my brain gets to look forward to. Tomorrow we will be trying out some thai basil fried rice. My partner makes THE BEST thai basil fried rice, so we are seeing if this local restaurant can match the quality that she brings to the table; I am doubtful.

In my therapy sessions, we are trying to dissect the feelings of guilt I have when I am not doing something that my brain deems as “productive”. Whether there is little to nothing to do, or there is simply too much to do, I feel guilt for not doing something or not doing everything. My brain is just really aggressive in making me feel like I need to always be doing something to achieve visible results.

The other thing we are trying to learn more about is if my current and future attempts at “busying myself” (volunteering, playing video games, baking, hanging out with friends, etc.) are just masking my feelings of loneliness in the moment, or if they are actually contributing to my long-term “contentness” and ability to enjoy times when I am not in my house, AKA, my safe space.

I mean, I think I will ultimately need to find a healthy balance of alone time, time with my partner, and time that involves being social with other humans. I need to incorporate activities that I find a productive use of my time that will give me those results (home improvement, directly impacting a person, gaining a skill, completing chores, etc.), as well as activities that are meant to be purely for entertainment, relaxation, or pleasure (watching movies, playing games, going out to eat/drink, writing, etc.).

I am hopeful for the future. On a super duper amazing note: I am officially getting my braces off in 4 weeks. I got scans taken of my mouth today and the retainers have been ordered. I am SO READY to be done with this process. I am glad I did it, but, damn, I am 100000% over it.

Until next time!

I’ve gotta be honest…

I have not been doing well. I have over 50 draft blog posts and I haven’t finished or published any of them. They’ve been accumulating for quite some time now and I don’t like that.

My brain has been really foggy and I’ve been feeling more anxious. I sleep a little better now since we installed a 6 foot privacy fence; I don’t overthink so much about someone breaking in through my bedroom window.

I finally put in my resignation at my current job, but I will remain employed until I have another offer. I have a very good relationship with my supervisors, so they are allowing me to stay as long as is needed, which I really appreciate.

Anyway, back to my woes: I wake up in the mornings and I feel okay. Not great, but not bad. I’ve been sleeping longer than usual and it’s just because I can’t find a reason to get up early. Once I do get up, I sit down at my computer and start working and my brain just melts. I don’t want to work.

As the day progresses, I apply to jobs in between tasks. I get up often to just wander about my house and pop into my partner’s office.

Today, I finally succeeded in making an appointment with a therapist for next Monday. I’ve been trying to get in touch with other therapists for about 1 month now, but they ghost me, don’t take my insurance, or they just have no availability.

As I type these words I am bored and annoyed and tired. I want to sleep and be by myself and just wallow in my negative thoughts. It’s not a comfortable feeling, but I am unsure of what to do about it. That is why therapy is on Monday.

My mom suggested we get Ethiopian food together. I countered her offer by asking if she’d rather pick it up and eat it at home, but she said she needed an excuse to get out of the house. I dread going out of the house. It’s not so much agoraphobia, but more of I can’t be bothered to put effort into my appearance and do something outside of my cave.

My best friend is coming over on Saturday and I know I will enjoy that, but it’s just for a few hours. What will I do when she leaves?

A few years ago, when someone would ask me about my activities, I had a long list of things that I was involved in. Lots of them were side jobs to make money and also just visiting friends and family. For an introvert, I was quite the social butterfly. But I don’t even know who that person is. Sure, I get caught up in house projects, but those are on hold right now because we need to save money. I also shouldn’t rely on home improvement as the cure to my sadness.

It’s just been hard.

I love spreadsheets.

The title of this blog post could not be more true. I make spreadsheets for EVERYTHING. My favorite? Budgeting.

I have always enjoyed saving money and watching it grow; I have just gotten a new kick to refresh my skills and I have decided to try some new tools that I have heard good things about. I’m trying out Zeta, so I can budget together with my partner from ONE app. I am getting back into Acorns and rounding up my card transactions. I am also being more careful with my spending habits.

I took a leap last year and switched from a regular savings account to a money market account. Now, I am adding to the mix: a high yield savings account. I keep hearing good things about it and I thought maybe I should just have one or the other, but I don’t see any negatives to me having multiple savings opportunities, so I now have both. Sallie Mae and Chime.

Anyway, to the point: If you want to give the high yield savings account a whirl, do myself and yourself a solid and use this link so we can both get free money ($100 if you hook it up to direct deposit). Please. I am normally the person clicking on these links, but today I am the human to offer one. Mwahaha.

On another note, I am getting another foster dog tomorrow. Her name is Puma and she is a 124 pound black lab… poor baby. We will be going on lots of walks to try to get her weight down. She also has severe allergies, so I hope those don’t interfere with her settling in with us.

Lastly, I am still learning ASL, but I have had to take breaks the past few weeks because of work, not feeling well, and the oh so annoying time difference between the US and Korea.

That’s all, folks. Happy November!

Something I am comfortable with…

If you’ve read my previous posts on my blog, you will probably have come to conclusion that I don’t have the closest relationship with my father. It’s not a terrible relationship, but it definitely has room for improvement; however, I think I have given up most hope for having the relationship with him that I really want.

To make a long story short, my father has expressed nothing but unconditional love for me and my sister throughout our lives, and I am most grateful for that. The main thing that bugs me the most about our relationship is that I feel it is very “surface level”.

I have a recent example:

My father has social media accounts where he voices his political opinions. There was one video where he mentioned that his 2 daughters were “flaming liberals”. There was another trend type video where parents say the one thing they wish were different about their children, and my father’s answer was agreeing with someone else that his girls are liberals as well. So, when I saw these videos, I couldn’t help but shake my head and laugh because while I do hold many liberal views, I do not hold solely liberal views. Any of my friends who know me and how I see the world, know this about me. My father clearly does not know me or my worldview.

The point of this blog post is that I think I have reached a point where I am content with having a surface level relationship with him. When we visit, he asks me how work is and I ask him if he’s talked to my grandmother recently. He asks how my fiancé is doing and I ask him how his new job is going as well. The only thing we have in common is a general enjoyment of going to the gun range and being equally concerned with my sister’s ever-changing life choices.

I used to really yearn for a deeper relationship with my dad, and I know that is what he wants as well, but with everything else in my life, and other factors, I just do not have the motivation or energy to put into this task, so I’ve become content with what it is. That’s all.

Halloweenies

Howdy. Time for an update, I suppose. I went back to therapy for a few weeks, but I’m done again; part of me feels like this round was a waste of time… some of it was helpful, yes, but in the past few sessions I was bored and that is normally a sign that I feel that I’ve gotten all the help I can.

In the meantime, I’ve been taking ASL lessons from a wonderful and funny human who is actually from my city, but they are currently studying in Korea. I learned the ASL alphabet when I was in elementary school (not in school, but from books I found on my own in library). A few years later, my sister was very close with a girl who was hard-of-hearing, so me and her learned more ASL then. Like many people, I was hooked on the show Switched at Birth and picked up what I could from the ASL used. When I joined AmeriCorps NCCC in 2018, I had a deaf supervisor and learned even more. Now, I believe I would like to be fluent in ASL and use it in my HR career.

Speaking of my career, I have also been considering getting my SHRM-CP certification. Because I have a Bachelor’s degree, plus 2.5 years of HR experience, I can take it next spring for about $475 (cheaper, if I do the “early-bird” option and if I become a member… which I have been considering doing anyway). I think I am going to take the certification in early May of next year; that will give me plenty of time to prepare.

I baked a carrot cake yesterday, and I’ve made one before, but this one did not turn out very good. Taste-wise, it is fine, but the density is that of a block of cheese. I slapped some icing on the top and ate it, but I will do better next time. I also made some flax cookies that are repeats, but those turned out bad as well. I hope that my next recipe, pumpkin cinnamon rolls, turns out better.

Choice.

6/24/2021 9:00AM

My friend, who I have previously written about, is currently in the ICU. I don’t actually know if he is dead or alive right now because the doctors were not too confident about him making it through the night.

My friend is an alcoholic and has been one for decades. His father died because of alcoholism and the complications of it as well, just a few years ago.

I was planning on visiting him in the hospital this morning, but his mother said not to come and that he doesn’t have long. She said that he does not know anything and that we should remember him as we always did. I am a little disappointed, but I understand her feelings.

6/24/2021 3:40PM

I had to leave my computer to go to my grandparents’ house for a bit. While I was there I got the phone call that my friend had passed away around noon.

While he was my friend, he was also somewhat of a father figure. I had actually bought him a Father’s Day Card, but he had already been admitted to the hospital by that time.

The title of the blog post is “Choice.” because one thing Todd, my friend, taught me was the most powerful thing in the world is choice- our ability as people to choose. I feel like I live by a similar saying, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” (Eleanor Roosevelt), so the addition of the power of choice seemed natural.

I will miss Todd, obviously, but I feel like I have been missing him for several months now. I got the phone call back in January first, when his roommate said his drinking was the worst its ever been. Every call after that was concerning the same and things did not improve.

I feel good about our last phone conversation, though. We spoke last on June 1, 2021 at 11:54am for 19 minutes and 10 seconds. I updated him on my life, and that I had graduated and that I was looking forward to him being able to see my house that I just bought with my fiancé. I told him that I loved him and that we would talk soon.

I do feel like I should have called more and visited more, but I am sure everyone feels that way. I don’t have regrets, I only wish that he had sought help sooner. I wanted him to be there for my wedding, and he said, “don’t worry, I’ll be there”, but I suppose now it will be in a different form.

I think his death saddens me because it was completely preventable. Alcoholism is no joke and it does kill. I also can’t imagine the things that went through his mind or heart to make him feel like alcohol was the answer and also that once it got too late, that he felt like he could not tell anyone. He lied about his alcoholism right up until the second to last visit. Then, he finally started referring to it a bit more.

Yes, I am sad, but I am also happy to know that his body is not in torment anymore. I am not sure what is after death, but I hope he enjoys himself. He’s got a brother and a father that crossed over before him, so there is that as well. I’m not much of a football fan, but I guess I will have to see a UGA game in his honor some time. Go dawgs!

Actually moving.

In my last post I explained how we were planning on moving out of our apartment early and moving into a rental house. I also posted updates sharing how we got denied for all of the houses we viewed. It seems that no one wants to rent to young adults with no kids and no pets, even though their combined incomes are more than enough to cover rent. That’s cool.

So we decided to buy a house.

It was a decision made in a matter of minutes. I was frustrated with the renting situation and several family members and also my bosses advised me to just buy a house.

So, yeah, we are actually buying a house. I am 24 and my fiancé is 26. I am relieved, excited, nervous, and so happy all at once. We will definitely be living off of rice and beans for a hot minute while we replenish our savings, but I think this decision was the right one.

We close on the house next Friday and we will start painting that day. We hope to move in on May 8th and close our lease here at the apartment on the 14th.

Alcoholism

I have a friend who is an alcoholic. I received a text from his roommate today letting me know that he is probably going to die in the next week or so and I should come down to say good-bye.

He is yellow, he is retaining fluid in his feet, he has a wet cough that may or may not already be pneumonia, and he can only keep down alcohol. He has not eaten an actual meal in months and he has maybe 1/2 cup of water per day. He pees once per day, if at all, and he showers about once per month. He weighs maybe 90 lbs. and is a chain smoker, but he’s even given that up for the most part.

I’ve known about his alcoholism from the first time I met him back in 2016. He has always had very strong tremors and he was open about his abuse of alcohol. He lost his dad and his brother in the span of a week, he was fired from his job about 8 or more months ago, and the pandemic increased the loneliness he was feeling, so I’m not surprised at where we currently are. He has also already had 2 strokes in the past year.

I’m feeling a lot of emotions. Sadness, anger, guilt, frustration, hope, disappointment, and so many more. I feel bad for his roommate who has been there cleaning up after him and keeping him alive this long. She says that she has seen end stage alcoholism before and that this is what it looks like, so I fully believe that his days are numbered.

I will probably drive down to my hometown tomorrow and say my good-byes in the form of “just checking in”. I’m not looking forward to it. If I am 100% honest, I don’t really want to see him in the state that he is in. And I don’t think he wants anyone seeing him in the state that he is in. It is uncomfortable for everyone, but I know I will also feel incredibly guilty if I don’t see him and then he dies later this week. We’ll see how it goes. My heart goes out to anyone going through this disease and those who have watched a love one go through it.