Getting a little better…

I have had 2 therapy sessions since my last post. The past 3 days or so have been nice. Today, my partner also proposed that we go walking and eat ice cream this weekend, and I am excited for that. We are also making date night every Friday a priority, so that has been something my brain gets to look forward to. Tomorrow we will be trying out some thai basil fried rice. My partner makes THE BEST thai basil fried rice, so we are seeing if this local restaurant can match the quality that she brings to the table; I am doubtful.

In my therapy sessions, we are trying to dissect the feelings of guilt I have when I am not doing something that my brain deems as “productive”. Whether there is little to nothing to do, or there is simply too much to do, I feel guilt for not doing something or not doing everything. My brain is just really aggressive in making me feel like I need to always be doing something to achieve visible results.

The other thing we are trying to learn more about is if my current and future attempts at “busying myself” (volunteering, playing video games, baking, hanging out with friends, etc.) are just masking my feelings of loneliness in the moment, or if they are actually contributing to my long-term “contentness” and ability to enjoy times when I am not in my house, AKA, my safe space.

I mean, I think I will ultimately need to find a healthy balance of alone time, time with my partner, and time that involves being social with other humans. I need to incorporate activities that I find a productive use of my time that will give me those results (home improvement, directly impacting a person, gaining a skill, completing chores, etc.), as well as activities that are meant to be purely for entertainment, relaxation, or pleasure (watching movies, playing games, going out to eat/drink, writing, etc.).

I am hopeful for the future. On a super duper amazing note: I am officially getting my braces off in 4 weeks. I got scans taken of my mouth today and the retainers have been ordered. I am SO READY to be done with this process. I am glad I did it, but, damn, I am 100000% over it.

Until next time!

I’ve gotta be honest…

I have not been doing well. I have over 50 draft blog posts and I haven’t finished or published any of them. They’ve been accumulating for quite some time now and I don’t like that.

My brain has been really foggy and I’ve been feeling more anxious. I sleep a little better now since we installed a 6 foot privacy fence; I don’t overthink so much about someone breaking in through my bedroom window.

I finally put in my resignation at my current job, but I will remain employed until I have another offer. I have a very good relationship with my supervisors, so they are allowing me to stay as long as is needed, which I really appreciate.

Anyway, back to my woes: I wake up in the mornings and I feel okay. Not great, but not bad. I’ve been sleeping longer than usual and it’s just because I can’t find a reason to get up early. Once I do get up, I sit down at my computer and start working and my brain just melts. I don’t want to work.

As the day progresses, I apply to jobs in between tasks. I get up often to just wander about my house and pop into my partner’s office.

Today, I finally succeeded in making an appointment with a therapist for next Monday. I’ve been trying to get in touch with other therapists for about 1 month now, but they ghost me, don’t take my insurance, or they just have no availability.

As I type these words I am bored and annoyed and tired. I want to sleep and be by myself and just wallow in my negative thoughts. It’s not a comfortable feeling, but I am unsure of what to do about it. That is why therapy is on Monday.

My mom suggested we get Ethiopian food together. I countered her offer by asking if she’d rather pick it up and eat it at home, but she said she needed an excuse to get out of the house. I dread going out of the house. It’s not so much agoraphobia, but more of I can’t be bothered to put effort into my appearance and do something outside of my cave.

My best friend is coming over on Saturday and I know I will enjoy that, but it’s just for a few hours. What will I do when she leaves?

A few years ago, when someone would ask me about my activities, I had a long list of things that I was involved in. Lots of them were side jobs to make money and also just visiting friends and family. For an introvert, I was quite the social butterfly. But I don’t even know who that person is. Sure, I get caught up in house projects, but those are on hold right now because we need to save money. I also shouldn’t rely on home improvement as the cure to my sadness.

It’s just been hard.

First Impressions

My fiancé and I were talking about first impressions this morning. No, not our first impressions of each other, but of other people. We got on to this topic because we both have “friends” who complain to us about other friends, but then they hang out with each other anyway, despite not liking each other.

For me, first impressions are everything. It’s not even something I can help. If my first impression of you is not positive, I will hold that version of you in my head until I die. So, if my first impression of someone goes south, they will not be seeing me any further because if I can’t get around what I first thought of you (because of bad behavior, negative attitude, pushy, disrespectful, you name it, etc.) then there really is no need to involve you in my life any more.

My fiancé feels the same way. She decides right when she meets someone whether or not there will be a friendship or a pursuance of one.

Now, the topic that got us into this one: friends who willingly hang out with people they complain about. Now, that is truly beyond me. For example, I have one friend who I have not seen in a while for other reasons that constantly complains about one of her other friends. In fact, some of the things she has disclosed about this person’s behavior and actions is, in my opinion, manipulative and abusive. However, whenever I check social media, she is always hanging out with this “bestie”. If someone did to me what has been done to my friend, they’d be cut off immediately. I really just don’t get it.

I will say that I believe it is easier to cut of platonic friends in your life than it is romantic partners. I stayed with one very bad romantic partner for 1.5 years too long; however, I have always been able to remove unwanted platonic friends from my circle quite easily.

Anyway, that is the topic of discussion on this fine morning.

2020’s never-ending surprises

Charlene and I were enjoying the company of some friends while roasting marshmallows last night when I got a phone call from my father. He informed me that my meemaw (grandma) was in the ER. Her rate was suspiciously low (35 bpm) and they did not know why.

She did not spend the night in the ER and she slept in her own bed last night. Everything seems to be okay today, but they will visit a cardiologist tomorrow if they can get an appointment.

The thought “it can’t get worse” has not crossed my mind in months- it’s 2020 and I expect each month to be worse than the last at this point. It’s just more of waiting on the enevitable doom each month; what does Satan have planned for me this month?

Other than the random bouts of unfortunate events, I suppose we’re still doing well. We just sold our dining room table, futon, and some Legos on FB Marketplace. My fiance got a new desk, so I am taking her old one. The dining room table hasn’t been used in months for its intended purpose and it is too large for this apartment anyway, so I decided to do away with it.

The rest of today will be spent on schoolwork and decluttering the area underneath our bed. I might step into the closet as well, but that might be a beast for another day..

Surprise!

So, my girlfriend and I have been secretly engaged for over 6 months now. Surprise! For those of you who have read this blog from the beginning (about 1 year), you guys know how head over heels I was for her from the get-go. Well, that still hasn’t changed and after many many talks about us, our feelings, and our life together, we decided we might as well make it super official.

If you are anything like me, then your thoughts might look like this right now:

  • You are moving too fast.
  • Do you even know each other?
  • Don’t you think you should date a few years before committing to that?

Allow me to ease your minds a little. Again, if you have been reading this blog from the beginning, you would know that we moved in together after only knowing each other for about 3 months. Well, it is 1 year later and we are still quite content with each other and don’t plan on changing the living arrangement we have.

I can only speak for myself, but I will tell you what my lady has told me: She has been on dates before, yes, but they never progressed to anything. I am her first and her last relationship- by her own choice. She says that she never encouraged other people because they were not to her standard and she didn’t want to invest herself into something that didn’t feel totally right. Makes sense, in my opinion.

In the beginning I felt a bit of pressure because I wanted her first relationship to be AWESOME! I did not want to set a negative scene for her in regards to relationships in that case that we might not work out. I wanted to make sure that I always created a safe, open, and fun space to explore each other- emotionally and physically. Mostly, though, I just felt honored to be the person to see all of her reactions to these new experiences; I also felt incredibly special that she chose me to trust with her heart.

Now, on to me: I’ve dated 5 people before my fiance, and, clearly, all of those relationships failed. I can also pinpoint exactly what I didn’t like in each of them- the relationship itself or the person.

  • unresolved/untreated mental health issues
  • abusive family members –>abuse leaked into our relationship
  • poor finances
  • no goals/motivation in life
  • no desire to educate themselves about current events/important topics
  • my family and friends disliked some of them for various reasons
  • major political differences

Fast forward to now: With my fiance, there isn’t one thing that I would deem as reason enough to be dissatisfied in this relationship. Long story short: she’s got her shit together. We are both super organized people, we are open about our financials, and we communicate about everything- even if it is not a fun topic. It’s just not worth “sweeping under the rug” and “dealing with it later” because that’s how you build resentment.

I will write a separate post detailing my family and friends’ reactions; spoiler: they were not surprised.

I am super pumped to start this new chapter of engagement and even though it doesn’t really feel any different, every day is a great day when I’m with her, so here’s to many more of those!

This year has sucked a lot.

I want to begin by saying that 2020 hasn’t been ALL bad, but damn, it’s been rough.

I got a call yesterday that a good friend of mine died on July 31st. She was 78 years old and she died after what seemed like a successful surgery. Her husband, also a good friend to me, called me right before my girlfriend and I were going for a walk.

I’m okay, but it’s just sad. It’s one more shitty thing to add to this year.

Also, last weekend was a packed weekend for me and my lady. On Saturday we had plans to visit my grandmother and walk her very energetic dog for her. On Sunday, my mom, my sister, my stepdad, and my best friend were going to come over to grill out with us.

So, once we arrived at my grandma’s house on Saturday, I ran inside to pick up the dog. On my way out, she asked me if I would be able to stay and help her out with a few things. I said that I was sorry, but I [for once in my life] had to clean the house and start meal-prepping for Sunday. I usually say yes to my grandma because I normally have nothing going on. She was obviously not pleased with my answer, but didn’t say anything in that moment.

About an hour later, when we got back to her house, I ran inside again to drop off the dog and say good-bye. I found her putting chemicals into her pool and I told her about Cleo’s (the dog) behavior at the dog park. While I was talking, my grandma wasn’t really looking at me and when she did respond, she was very short with me.

She started making little jabs about how no one ever has time for her and that none of my family ever helps her out, etc. She also told me that I am free to go to now since I clearly have better things to do.

Disclaimer: this behavior is very normal for my grandma. She is super emotional, super sensitive, and has no problem making people feel sorry for things they didn’t even do. This day was just a shock to me because out of everyone in the family, I have been there for her the most, even spending a week at a time with her and helping her with outdoor and indoor work.

Anyway, I told her that I did not appreciate being guilt-tripped and that I help her out every time she asks, but I just couldn’t do that today. She pouted and told me to go then, go do the other things I had to do.

I walked out and I was definitely upset because, like I said, I have helped my grandmother out more than anyone. I also never ask for anything, unlike other family members. It was just really hurtful that she would talk to me like that.

Additionally, I will admit that it is very difficult to want to help out this grandmother anyway because she is the most vocal about her belief that my being gay is simply a phase and also that she prays for me and my sin daily. She has spoken to her church about me and outed me to them without my knowing. She referred to me to her friend as “the granddaughter that thinks she’s gay”. During Christmas two years ago, she met my girlfriend at the time and told me that she was lovely, but that she still prayed for me.

It’s an ongoing battle with this grandmother, and she’s always been quirky, but lately it’s just gotten more and more exhausting being around her.

Anxiety Update

I am writing about my anxiety in this post; however, I want to take a moment to speak about John Lewis. He served in the United States House of Representatives for Georgia’s 5th congressional district for 33 years and he was a huge Civil Rights Leader.

“Lewis was awarded the Martin Luther King Jr. Nonviolent Peace Prize in 1975, the John F. Kennedy Profile in Courage Award in 2001, and the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People’s (NAACP) Spingarn Medal in 2002. In 2011 he received the Presidential Medal of Freedom.”  (https://www.britannica.com/biography/John-Lewis-American-civil-rights-leader-and-politician)

John Lewis was a phenomenally important human being to Black Americans, but also to the LGBTQ Community. There is no doubt that he changed our country’s history and left an incredible impact that I hope will continue to ripple for decades to come.

Now, the current President of the US made less than friendly remarks in regards to John Lewis in an interview on “Axios on HBO”. In fact, he declined to comment on John Lewis’ legacy and instead chose to talk about how Lewis never attended any of his State of the Union speeches or his inauguration.

I try not to get riled up about anything that Trump does anymore because it’s all embarrassing, but I couldn’t help but feel anger and disappointment that he had nothing nice to say about a man who changed so many people’s lives. Other members of the government- both Democratic and Republican- offered condolences and shared fond memories they had with and of John Lewis. Our President is embarrassing.

While I haven’t mentioned anxiety thus far, talking about the POTUS is a great seg-way because the current state of things in this country give me a great heap of nervous thoughts and concerns.

I would say that most of my anxiety right now stems from government related things and also my family. Most of my family here in the United States are pro-Trump and it’s no fun being with them when they start talking about politics. They always ask me a question or two and I have no desire to engage because I’m not here to change their minds- they are already made up. And, furthermore, they are not going to succeed in pulling me to their side. Political views aside, Donald Trump is just simply not a nice person.

Growing up, we are all told as children to share, be nice, use please and thank-you. We are told to keep our hands to ourselves and not to be mean or rude to others. We are taught to exercise patient and honesty. I remember singing a song in 3rd grade about holding hands with all the children in the world. We were taught to be inclusive and to show everyone kindness.

When I look at Donald Trump, I don’t see the things I mentioned above. I see a bully, I see someone who doesn’t have a filter or boundaries. I see someone who lacks empathy and control. I don’t see someone I can relate to, look up to, or support as a leader of this country.

As a woman, as a lesbian, as someone who’s physical bubble has been wrongly intruded upon, as a partner to an immigrant, as a daughter of an immigrant, and as a best friend of several immigrants, I cannot and will not, ever, support him.

I believe this is all I would like to say on this topic. I hope ya’ll have a great day, and, remember that there is a person running for president that doesn’t have any sexual assault allegations against them: Jo Jorgenson. Just sayin’.

It seems that I am struggling.

I was telling my partner yesterday how I felt like I clean the dishes all the time- several times a day even, yet the dirty dishes continue to exist. While I was trying to voice this frustration, I felt my throat get a little tighter and my eyes get a little more wet.

I would say that ever since starting therapy exactly one year ago, I have been more uncontrollably emotional. That sounds far more dramatic than it actually is. Basically, instead of bottling things up, my body just naturally releases any anxiety, fear, or frustration, and, sometimes it is in the form of crying.

In therapy I discussed my constant need to be doing something. At the time that I began seeing my therapist, I had just gotten out of a program that had my attention 24/7 with no breaks- no joke. I went from that to having ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO. It was crazy. And I felt like I was going a little crazy too.

I immediately started looking for a new place to live, a new job, and I made sure that my class schedule for the upcoming semester was desirable. In between all that I made my best efforts to visit all the family and friends I hadn’t been able to regularly see before, during my service year.

Things got overwhelming, my body panicked, and I relied on therapy to get me through it. My therapist and I hit a lot of topics and they are all documented on this blog; you’ll just need to scroll back to maybe June of 2019. It was a lot.

This quarantine has been really stressful for me in regards to my mental health. While I enjoy being inside and away from people, I also love going out with my partner and I really like going to work and feeling like I did something productive that day. I find putting on jeans exhausting, but I like the way I look in them and it boosts my self-confidence.

I haven’t had the need to put on jeans to go anywhere. I haven’t been able to see the people I care about as much as I’d like. I also haven’t been working as many hours at work and my duties have slightly changed since the lockdown. Things are different in the world, but the way I measure my success and productivity is the same as it’s always been. I think this time has shown me that that’s a possible issue.

I know that I am more than my accomplishments. I know that simply doing a load of laundry is a productive activity. I know that not all progress is immediately visible.

But it’s hard.

I have decently high standards for myself and I’ve really been working on cutting myself some slack over the last year. Sometimes, though, I do get impatient and annoyed with the lack of tangible progress.

Regarding work, my hours have been cut in half and I was supposed to start working officially full-time by this point. My upcoming summer class is a math class and I purposely chose an on-campus day/time because I learn this subject best that way (I suck at math, big time!). My partner and I had travel plans and those were, of course, cancelled. I was also looking forward to exploring Atlanta more and trying new bars and restaurants; my girlfriend and I even agreed on a weekly date night where we try out only new restaurants on a list we created.

I also don’t do well with unexpected change. I suppose I do adapt rather quickly and I always get through it okay, but the immediate effects are always scatterbrained thoughts and mild panic.

So, yeah, things have been harder than I thought they’d be. It’s all good, though. I have an amazing partner and the weather is beautiful and I still have lots of things to look forward to. I wish us all the best for the remainder of 2020 and I’m optimistic that things will take a turn for the better.

A COVID-19 Update

Atlanta, GA is in the middle of 14-day lockdown and my girlfriend and I are both working from home since a few weeks ago. My university has also moved to teach 100% online for the remainder of the semester. I’m not sure how the upcoming summer semester will go, but I’ve registered for a Corporate Finance class that I know will be a bitch. I’m due to register for fall classes in the next few days as well. Woohoo.

My girlfriend has exposed me to a variety of mobile games (Mario Cart and Words with Friends) and enlightened me to the fact that you can play Sims through your television and now we’re 2 minutes away from calling GameStop to see if they have any pre-owned PS4s.

The songs I am playing on repeat are Demi Lovato’s new song I Love Me and Ava Max’s Kings & Queens.

I have baked cookies cinnamon rolls and more cookies as well as quiche, pizza, and too-much-ginger-broccoli stir fry.

Lastly, my cohabitant and I were engaged in a 3 day monopoly game. I think I’m done with monopoly.

Honestly, I don’t go out much anyway, so this lockdown’s not that different from how I live my normal life; however, I did just recently discover the Atlanta Beltline and it is killing me not to drive there because the weather has been AMAZING (aside from the pollen that is suffocating my partner).

I need to complete my Marketing homework and maybe attempt baking a loaf of bread. I am also going to pick up my sewing hobby again and try creating a kaftan dress from a bedsheet. Pictures to come if it’s not a complete fail.

Megan’s Birthday Month!

It is my birthday month. It is the season of Pisces I am told. I’m not really into astrology, but I’m told Pisces is “a sensitive water sign”. Cool beans.

Anyway, I am currently at school trying to take a test, complete a marketing assignment, and sign up for free Taylor Swift tickets. Part 1 of the test went well; I got 100%, so I hope Part 2 goes just as well. I know I’ll complete the marketing assignment; it is not difficult, just tedious. The Taylor Swift ticket website has me in a sort of queue, so that’s super exciting. Woohoo.

Some updates:

  • I officially graduate college next May with a B.B.A. in Managerial Sciences and a completed Human Resources track. I’m not sure if that’s worded correctly, but that’s that.
  • I have all of my braces on now. I got the rest of them glued on last Thursday. The pain is finally next to none; however, I still struggle chewing crunchy foods.
  • I will be starting full-time at my job on June 8, 2020. This makes me eligible for 2 weeks of paid vacation, so that’s cool.
  • I will start summer classes on June 8, 2020 as well. I am only taking one class: Corporate Finance. I am NOT looking forward to it and I know I will struggle; this is why I have only signed up for that single class this summer.
  • My German grandmother is visiting next May (for my graduation) and Chelsea and I will fly back with her (most likely, nothing is booked yet).
  • My hair is getting quite long; we are officially at under-boob level. Woohoo.
  • My dad almost adopted a Great Dane named Dash but then he didn’t. Sad day.