Prozac

So, after 12 years of anxiety, panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, and nervous sweating, I have finally decided to give medication a whirl. I’ve done therapy for a few years now, and I do find it’s been helping me be more kind to myself and not have such unrealistically high expectations for myself; however, I can’t say it’s helped or relieved my anxiety a noticeable amount.

Today is my first day on 20 mg of Fluoxetine, also known as Prozac. I was advised by my therapist to keep a log on my feelings, both mental and physical, just to track any progress or changes this medication may cause. I have also asked my wife to keep an eye on my behaviors and general existence to see if she notices anything different in the coming weeks.

It’s only day one, so I can’t say that I have felt any changes, but I will record updates at least once per week to take note of even the smallest signs of progress.

Things I expect:

• less noise in my brain day to day
• better sleep
• less overthinking
• some drowsiness

Things I do not expect:

• complete elimation of my anxiety

I have some goals outlined for the next 6-12 months and starting medication is both one of those goals and it is something that should make achieving my other goals a little easier.

1. Start medication for anxiety
2. Start a new job (9-5, in-office, non-profit)
3. Gain strength and stamina through gym/rock-climbing
4. Save money & take a break from mini trips in 2023 (we have 1 big trip to Germany planned next Christmas)
5. Build my confidence from the ground up & learn to better enjoy the life we’re living

I believe that I have less confidence now than I did in high school, and I think that is because of a few reasons- I can’t pinpoint it to just one. I also think my anxiety has become more manageable because of experience and living in constant exposure therapy, but it’s also more frequent, so I feel like I live in a constant state of anxiety whenever I exit the cozy and safe walls of my home.

It’s important to me to enjoy this first year of married life and treat it like the new beginning it is. I pretend like life goes on as before, and in some aspects it absolutely does and will; however, I’ve pledged my heart to the woman I love for the rest of my life. I have no intention of doing all this again- that sounds exhausting, and we have a wonderful relationship that I don’t want to try replicating. This is our life together, and I see this year as one where we continue to grow as individuals, side by side, supporting each other. You can still learn new things, join new clubs, and reinvent who you are without losing your partner in the dust. I am so thankful that I have someone who loves me inside and out, and who creates spaces for me to explore who I want to be without boundaries and judgement.

Things I am excited about:

• holiday season
• holiday smells
• holiday baked goods
• visiting Helen, GA for the first time
• spending Christmas with my mom
• new job
• a routine
• date nights with my wife
• playing video games
• redecorating our bedroom to make it more cozy
• holiday movie nights
• hot chocolate when it’s freezing outside
• looking out of my cozy house’s windows as it rains outside
• holidays songs and music

Halloweenies

Howdy. Time for an update, I suppose. I went back to therapy for a few weeks, but I’m done again; part of me feels like this round was a waste of time… some of it was helpful, yes, but in the past few sessions I was bored and that is normally a sign that I feel that I’ve gotten all the help I can.

In the meantime, I’ve been taking ASL lessons from a wonderful and funny human who is actually from my city, but they are currently studying in Korea. I learned the ASL alphabet when I was in elementary school (not in school, but from books I found on my own in library). A few years later, my sister was very close with a girl who was hard-of-hearing, so me and her learned more ASL then. Like many people, I was hooked on the show Switched at Birth and picked up what I could from the ASL used. When I joined AmeriCorps NCCC in 2018, I had a deaf supervisor and learned even more. Now, I believe I would like to be fluent in ASL and use it in my HR career.

Speaking of my career, I have also been considering getting my SHRM-CP certification. Because I have a Bachelor’s degree, plus 2.5 years of HR experience, I can take it next spring for about $475 (cheaper, if I do the “early-bird” option and if I become a member… which I have been considering doing anyway). I think I am going to take the certification in early May of next year; that will give me plenty of time to prepare.

I baked a carrot cake yesterday, and I’ve made one before, but this one did not turn out very good. Taste-wise, it is fine, but the density is that of a block of cheese. I slapped some icing on the top and ate it, but I will do better next time. I also made some flax cookies that are repeats, but those turned out bad as well. I hope that my next recipe, pumpkin cinnamon rolls, turns out better.

5/12/2020

Final grades were released today for the Spring 2020 semester. I am pleased; I got two A’s and two B’s. My GPA increased by .2, which means I will not be losing my Hope Scholarship.

I am still working from home and my employer still has no plans to reopen. It’s just too risky. We’re a tiny company as it is, so if one of us got sick and we were in the office, well, there’s a high chance the other nine of us would also be infected and we just can’t have 100% of the company out.

I have cut down on the amount that I am baking. I weighed myself recently and while I am not upset with my appearance, I didn’t like that I had gained 10 pounds. I’d rather gain 10 pounds of muscle, but you don’t get abs from eating cake and brownies. Things to work on I guess.

My hammock stand arrived today. It’s actually still in the mail room, but I’m about to go get it. Currently, I have the hammock hung on two doors, but doors were’t meant to hold people.

I have some lemon-jam-to-be on the stove. It needs to boil another 5 minutes or so and then it needs to cool off for a few hours. I just had so many lemons and I didn’t want them to go to waste like the last batch. The reason I keep lemons on hand is because they’re great for soothing a sore throat when mixed with honey and water, AND they actually get rid of any nausea, which I have more than most people for no particular reason.

My partner and I have acquired an air-fryer because I can’t eat fried [in oil] foods without throwing up later that night and I am IMPRESSED! We were able to make lumpia, a Filipino spring roll, as well as french fries and fried chicken! Win, win, win!

I have slept really well the past two nights and I don’t want to say it’s been purely chance. I’m trying to think about the things I’ve been doing differently, but I really can’t think of anything. Well, I did consume peach wine the past two nights, but it’s not like it knocked me out or anything- it is actually advertised as having a lower alcohol content than other wines this particular brand makes…

I’ve been trying to drink more water, eat more fruits, eat less sugar (I’m referring to my baking), and get outside (with a mask of course) a few times per week to a local park. All of these things are part of living more healthy and could positively influence my sleeping cycle… There is also the fact that school is currently done for the semester, so I don’t have that stress on me.

I don’t know, man. I hope this good sleep continues. I hope everyone is staying inside still and wearing masks if they go out! I’m still trying to master bread-making, so I’ll keep ya’ll posted on that.

4.21.2020

As many of you have heard, I’m sure, Georgia governor Kemp has decided to begin reopening businesses starting this Friday. Such businesses include gyms, nail salons, and hairdressers/barber shops. He also said that social distancing still applies. Now, tell me, how the fuck do you implement social distancing at the nail salon??

I will be staying at home for at least another 4 weeks. I will not be a part of the 2nd wave of cases. No, thank you.

Anyway, I’m approaching finals in school. I have 2 tests this week, 2 quizzes, 2 homework assignments, and 1 final team project with a bunch of guys who haven’t even touched it. Next week begin the exams. Woohoo.

Tonight I will be making a lemon poppyseed cake and I am so excited to eat it.

Old Navy is currently (4/21/2020) having a sale that includes $12 dresses and rompers/jumpsuits, so check that out if you have a moment.

Lunette Menstrual Cups are also buy one get one starting tomorrow (4/22/2020). Just use the code CUPTOGETHER and one cup will be free.

I get these emails, so I’m just sharing them with you.

If ya’ll haven’t watched the Netflix show Sense8, you are missing out, my friends. I am hard to convince to watch a new show and I’m super picky about the genre and acting, but my girlfriend came through with this recommendation. Give it a whirl.

That’s all I’ve got for you today. I’ve been procrastinating an essay all day, so I’m going to jump on that.

Please stay home, ya’ll. Don’t put yourselves or others at unnecessary risk.

4/9/2020

I just [successfully] made little dinner rolls from scratch for the first time. I have attempted them in the past, but they always end up very firm and dense; something with the yeast and rising process always goes wrong.

I spend most of my day listening to music, watching Netflix, playing video games, baking, and maybe a little bit of cleaning and laundry, but to be honest I haven’t even been doing that as much as before.

Although I consider myself an extreme introvert, I definitely miss just having the freedom to exit my abode. I’ve been living in my girlfriend’s clothes or in nothing at all- there’s really no in between.

I feel mostly unproductive, so that’s not good. Work is SUPER slow because the business I work for does 99% of their business with schools and they are all closed. Some are partially open on the admin side, but they’re not all accepting deliveries or processing invoices. If we don’t make a certain amount of money by May 31st, then us employees will have to take ANOTHER hour cut and possibly a pay cut as well.

I’m also not totally digging this whole “online school” thing. I don’t do well if I’m not physically in class. I’m not going to lie: When it comes to school, I’m pretty lazy and unmotivated. I don’t like school. I don’t like taking classes that are completely irrelevant to my major but required anyway. Going to school on campus makes listening to the lecture worth it; I paid for parking, the class, the prof, the textbook, but now I’m learning from home just through posted power-points and lecture videos. I should have the self-discipline and the motivation, but I just don’t. College has never been enjoyable and this is NOT helping.

Rant over.

On another note, I’ve been listening to childhood cassettes like Benjamin Blümchen, Bibi Blocksberg, and Elea Eluanda. They’re all German and totally for children, but I like them.

A COVID-19 Update

Atlanta, GA is in the middle of 14-day lockdown and my girlfriend and I are both working from home since a few weeks ago. My university has also moved to teach 100% online for the remainder of the semester. I’m not sure how the upcoming summer semester will go, but I’ve registered for a Corporate Finance class that I know will be a bitch. I’m due to register for fall classes in the next few days as well. Woohoo.

My girlfriend has exposed me to a variety of mobile games (Mario Cart and Words with Friends) and enlightened me to the fact that you can play Sims through your television and now we’re 2 minutes away from calling GameStop to see if they have any pre-owned PS4s.

The songs I am playing on repeat are Demi Lovato’s new song I Love Me and Ava Max’s Kings & Queens.

I have baked cookies cinnamon rolls and more cookies as well as quiche, pizza, and too-much-ginger-broccoli stir fry.

Lastly, my cohabitant and I were engaged in a 3 day monopoly game. I think I’m done with monopoly.

Honestly, I don’t go out much anyway, so this lockdown’s not that different from how I live my normal life; however, I did just recently discover the Atlanta Beltline and it is killing me not to drive there because the weather has been AMAZING (aside from the pollen that is suffocating my partner).

I need to complete my Marketing homework and maybe attempt baking a loaf of bread. I am also going to pick up my sewing hobby again and try creating a kaftan dress from a bedsheet. Pictures to come if it’s not a complete fail.