Prozac

So, after 12 years of anxiety, panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, and nervous sweating, I have finally decided to give medication a whirl. I’ve done therapy for a few years now, and I do find it’s been helping me be more kind to myself and not have such unrealistically high expectations for myself; however, I can’t say it’s helped or relieved my anxiety a noticeable amount.

Today is my first day on 20 mg of Fluoxetine, also known as Prozac. I was advised by my therapist to keep a log on my feelings, both mental and physical, just to track any progress or changes this medication may cause. I have also asked my wife to keep an eye on my behaviors and general existence to see if she notices anything different in the coming weeks.

It’s only day one, so I can’t say that I have felt any changes, but I will record updates at least once per week to take note of even the smallest signs of progress.

Things I expect:

• less noise in my brain day to day
• better sleep
• less overthinking
• some drowsiness

Things I do not expect:

• complete elimation of my anxiety

I have some goals outlined for the next 6-12 months and starting medication is both one of those goals and it is something that should make achieving my other goals a little easier.

1. Start medication for anxiety
2. Start a new job (9-5, in-office, non-profit)
3. Gain strength and stamina through gym/rock-climbing
4. Save money & take a break from mini trips in 2023 (we have 1 big trip to Germany planned next Christmas)
5. Build my confidence from the ground up & learn to better enjoy the life we’re living

I believe that I have less confidence now than I did in high school, and I think that is because of a few reasons- I can’t pinpoint it to just one. I also think my anxiety has become more manageable because of experience and living in constant exposure therapy, but it’s also more frequent, so I feel like I live in a constant state of anxiety whenever I exit the cozy and safe walls of my home.

It’s important to me to enjoy this first year of married life and treat it like the new beginning it is. I pretend like life goes on as before, and in some aspects it absolutely does and will; however, I’ve pledged my heart to the woman I love for the rest of my life. I have no intention of doing all this again- that sounds exhausting, and we have a wonderful relationship that I don’t want to try replicating. This is our life together, and I see this year as one where we continue to grow as individuals, side by side, supporting each other. You can still learn new things, join new clubs, and reinvent who you are without losing your partner in the dust. I am so thankful that I have someone who loves me inside and out, and who creates spaces for me to explore who I want to be without boundaries and judgement.

Things I am excited about:

• holiday season
• holiday smells
• holiday baked goods
• visiting Helen, GA for the first time
• spending Christmas with my mom
• new job
• a routine
• date nights with my wife
• playing video games
• redecorating our bedroom to make it more cozy
• holiday movie nights
• hot chocolate when it’s freezing outside
• looking out of my cozy house’s windows as it rains outside
• holidays songs and music

I’ve gotta be honest…

I have not been doing well. I have over 50 draft blog posts and I haven’t finished or published any of them. They’ve been accumulating for quite some time now and I don’t like that.

My brain has been really foggy and I’ve been feeling more anxious. I sleep a little better now since we installed a 6 foot privacy fence; I don’t overthink so much about someone breaking in through my bedroom window.

I finally put in my resignation at my current job, but I will remain employed until I have another offer. I have a very good relationship with my supervisors, so they are allowing me to stay as long as is needed, which I really appreciate.

Anyway, back to my woes: I wake up in the mornings and I feel okay. Not great, but not bad. I’ve been sleeping longer than usual and it’s just because I can’t find a reason to get up early. Once I do get up, I sit down at my computer and start working and my brain just melts. I don’t want to work.

As the day progresses, I apply to jobs in between tasks. I get up often to just wander about my house and pop into my partner’s office.

Today, I finally succeeded in making an appointment with a therapist for next Monday. I’ve been trying to get in touch with other therapists for about 1 month now, but they ghost me, don’t take my insurance, or they just have no availability.

As I type these words I am bored and annoyed and tired. I want to sleep and be by myself and just wallow in my negative thoughts. It’s not a comfortable feeling, but I am unsure of what to do about it. That is why therapy is on Monday.

My mom suggested we get Ethiopian food together. I countered her offer by asking if she’d rather pick it up and eat it at home, but she said she needed an excuse to get out of the house. I dread going out of the house. It’s not so much agoraphobia, but more of I can’t be bothered to put effort into my appearance and do something outside of my cave.

My best friend is coming over on Saturday and I know I will enjoy that, but it’s just for a few hours. What will I do when she leaves?

A few years ago, when someone would ask me about my activities, I had a long list of things that I was involved in. Lots of them were side jobs to make money and also just visiting friends and family. For an introvert, I was quite the social butterfly. But I don’t even know who that person is. Sure, I get caught up in house projects, but those are on hold right now because we need to save money. I also shouldn’t rely on home improvement as the cure to my sadness.

It’s just been hard.