Fear of Failure

I have a fear of failure. I have a fear of failing those I care about. I have a fear of failing to be what they want me to be. I have a fear of failing to live the life that I have envisioned for myself. I have a fear of failing to live up to the good things people have said about me.

I fear that I am failing my [very conservative, anti-abortion, anti-gay, pro-Trump, Christian] grandparents and hometown community by not dating men and attending church.

I have a fear that my dad fears he has failed as a father by not bringing my sister and I to church more often. When I first came out, he asked me if it was something he did to make me feel this way.

I have these fears. They get a little a crazy sometimes. I know that I can’t just flip a switch and become a heterosexual Christian. I suppose that I try to make up for these “flaws” by making the rest of my life look as proper and perfect as possible.

I want the people (my family) who disagree with my “lifestyle” or lack of Christian beliefs to see that I’m not a bad or immoral person. I try very hard to live a moral life and to be kind and helpful to those around me. I’m trying to show them that I don’t live my life for attention. I don’t live my life to convert other people. I don’t live my life to brag about it and rub it in people’s faces.

I just want to live my life. I want to have normal conversations about things I’m passionate about. I want to visit family with my future partner and I want them to ask us when we’re getting married.

So I have a fear of failure. I have a fear of failing to be a person that does not and cannot exist. It’s been mentioned before and it will be mentioned again, I promise.

Thanks for stopping by, I really appreciate it!

Commitment Issues

Commitment issues. We’ve all got them, don’t we? No? Okay. Cool, so I definitely do. I don’t know where they stem from. Maybe it was my parents’ divorce that tanked my faith in love and marriage. Or maybe it was my first relationship that showed me the universe and everyone in it was against me being in a happy same-sex relationship. Quite possibly, now, I could be wrong, but quite possibly, it was the second relationship I was in that really did the deed.

The truth is that I don’t know how I got to be so skittish in relationships. The most unfortunate part is that my partner’s never really knew that I was constantly planning an exit “just in case”. If there was any talk about the future, I would always make them very aware that things could change and you never know, someone might die or move or evaporate.

The thought of locking down with someone fucking terrifies me. Dating people terrifies me. What if one of us gets a job offer in another state? What if someone gets diagnosed with a terminal illness? What if we’re together for 4 years and then we get married and then I want a divorce? What if the relationship just doesn’t work? So many “what ifs”.

I mentioned in a previous post that I was going to open myself up to casually dating again. That decision came post previous therapy session where my therapist asked me to really evaluate why I was swearing off dating right now. And I thought about it and determined that if I want human contact, I should go find human contact. I don’t need to propose to anyone, but there’s no reason why I can’t go connect with other humans AND focus on myself. So there.