Feelings Scare Me

Our emotions and feelings are something we are rarely in control of. You can occasionally control how you react outwardly to experiencing feelings and emotions, but those true feelings and true reactions still live inside of your body and your mind.

In terms of romance, my feelings have always been strong. I fall for people quickly and hard. I don’t tell them, of course, but I am very aware of how my mind, body, and heart feel. Usually, my mind is in some sort of disagreement with itself about how I should be navigating the relationship, my body is very willing to comply with everything and anything, and my heart has already partially attached itself to whoever I’m talking to.

I felt like writing about how my feelings scare me because they are currently scaring me. I have only known this woman for 10 days and I have met her once; however, it feels like I’ve known her for years. I don’t know if she feels the same, so I speak only for myself.

She answers my questions without hesitation. She is interested in what I do and where I come from. She’s open to adventure and travel. She’s very blunt and straightforward, not unlike myself. I appreciate talking to someone who “speaks my language”. Oftentimes, I have to preface things I say with, “I don’t mean to be rude” or “I don’t want to offend you”, but I don’t have to do that with her and she is just as forward towards me. I love it.

There is also one thing she did when we met for the first time that I can’t stop thinking about: When I was telling an elaborate story, she leaned forward, elbows on knees, and looked me in my eyes while I talked. She was so attentive.

In the past, I had an emotionally abusive partner who told me more than once, “I don’t hear you when you talk.” With this in mind, her leaning forward and being so obviously interested in the words coming out of my mouth meant the world to me and it made her that much more attractive. She’s super cute, by the way. But she just got cuter.

So, anyway, I like this woman. I like her a lot for only having known her for 10 days. part of me is like, “get a fucking grip”, but the other part of me is saying to just fall into it, don’t resist, don’t overthink, just be. I’m going to try very hard to “just be”.

Update on My Date

My first date with this woman was this past Tuesday. We met at California Pizza Kitchen. We split the bill if anyone is curious about those things, although she did offer to pay.

Long story short is the date went well and we are seeing each other again.

We had so many things to talk about, so my worst fear was definitely avoided. I hate when you’re unable to bounce off of each other in conversation because at that point I’ve lost interest and am looking for an out. So, again, that was not the case; the conversation flowed and I had many questions that she answered without hesitation.

Our next “date” is going to be cooking a meal at her apartment. I say meal, but I actually just wanted to show her how amazing homemade banana pudding was. She lives about 30 minutes away from me without traffic, so it could be worse.

A peek inside my mind: I have commitment issues and I am well aware of them. In previous relationships, I always looked for an out or a convenient excuse for the relationship to end because I figured the relationship was going to end sooner or later anyway, so I might as well end it now. I’m trying to change that mindset a little bit and it will be something I discuss with my therapist in the near future. For now, I am trying to enjoy getting to know this woman and not worry so much about sabotaging something that doesn’t even exist.

First Dates

I have a date tonight at 6pm. We’re meeting at California Pizza Kitchen. She insisted that I choose where we eat because I’m the one with dietary restrictions. I’m fine with that. She tried to tell me that she’s paying, but I like splitting on first dates. We decided on us both paying for our own meals, but if the waiter forgets to give us separate checks, she’s paying. I told her I wouldn’t let the waiter forget.

First dates are so weird. Normally I would be more nervous, but we’ve been texting all week and the conversations have been diverse and easy to continue; I’m hoping that dinner will feel the same. I thought I knew what I was wearing, but now it’s raining and it’s a tad cooler than it has been all summer.

She is shorter than I am. I think I’ve had a mix of heights in my past relationships, although my more serious ones are always with people who are shorter than I am. I don’t have a preference and I am of average height myself, so I don’t run into many women who refuse to date me because of my height. There are some weirdos out there though that insist on only dating taller/shorter women, whatever they prefer.

The thing that has surprised me the most while talking to this woman is how similar we are in our thought processes. We have both established that we are also more assertive and willing to speak up if it is concerning a topic we know well. We are both straightforward and sometimes can come across as rude or too blunt for other people. Additionally, it’s interesting to text with someone who writes just as much in each message. I am known for writing paragraphs and she is also delivering the same word count. I’m excited to see how dinner goes.

Dating Apps and Me

I have been on a handful of dating apps including but not limited to Tinder, HER, Badoo, and OKCupid. While I have found most all dating apps to be annoying and basically the same when it comes to operation, I had the most “success” on HER.

I have met 3 people in person from the HER app. I dated only 1 of them and that lasted about 3 months. The first person I met on the HER app was a straight girl who I awkwardly hugged goodbye when we parted ways from our “date” at the local mall. It was a sight to see. The other girl I met went to a nearby university and advertised herself as having long hair, so I was quite confused when a buzzed head flagged me down at the Greek restaurant we were supposed to meet at.

*I want to insert here that I don’t care about how my partner wears their hair. My last girlfriend rocked a short haircut and she looked damn good. I only have an issue with false advertisement.*

The date with the girl with the buzzcut was very uncomfortable and we both struggled for conversation. The food also sucked. I made an excuse to leave early and RAN.

Aside from the girl I dated for 3 months after meeting on the HER app, all of relationships have been as a result of meeting in school, an event, or at work. I’m hesitant to try dating apps again because they haven’t resulted in the most fulfilling encounters.

I recently created an account on the website Find Femmes, created by Megan and Whitney Bacon-Evans (one of my favorite YouTube couples to watch!). I’m a little nervous, but I’ll update you all on how the website works out for me.

Check out this interview Wegan did back in 2016 about creating Find Femmes.

My Christian Friends

In high school, I had a few friends who identified strongly and openly as Christians. There is nothing wrong with that, and when they had invasive questions about me being gay, I welcomed the discussion and the different perspectives.

One of my “friends” was very blunt in how she saw things. She said to me one day, “You know, Megan, I love you so much, but I’m a Christian and I believe you’re going to Hell because you’re gay.” I said, “Gee, thanks, Janice, that means a lot.”

I laughed about that interaction then and I continue to laugh about it now.

My other devoutly Christian friend, Rebecca, had her own opinions and questions as well. One day, after telling me that I could join her church as a gay person as long as I didn’t act on my homosexual urges, she asked me if I found her to be attractive. I tried to be nice about telling her that since she’s not attracted to every guy she sees, I don’t feel attraction to every female I see, so no, Rebecca, I don’t actually find you attractive, but you’re my “friend”, so I’m going to lie to you and say that you’re cute but not my type.

That was a doozy. We don’t really talk anymore because every conversation we have developed into her asking me if I’m seeing anyone and then telling me that she still doesn’t approve. Why the fuck are you asking me about my dating life that you don’t approve of? She confused me.

All in all, I can laugh at these interactions. At the same time, they were exhausting and constantly being told you’re an abomination is not easy on the soul, so I didn’t appreciate that portion.

If you’re a Christian, rock on, man. You do you. Let’s just keep my “lifestyle” out of conversation.

Pet Peeves on Dating Apps

As you all know, I have entered the world of dating apps. I have a few chats open with a few different women and I just can’t catch a break! They’re all doing the things I hate!

  • No one is making the first move. Mind you, I don’t mind, I will message people no problem, but literally NO ONE is messaging me first. Ugh.
  • I’m asking ALL the questions. Do they even want to know anything about me?
  • Going off of that last bullet, I also hate when people answer my questions beautifully, like super detail, almost paragraphs, and then they STILL don’t ask me anything.
  • “Cool.”, “K.”, “That’s good.”. Need I even say more about these types of responses??? What is wrong people? How am I supposed to bounce off of that?
  • Some girls will set you up to ask them out, but when you do they back out. That happened to me recently. She said she’d never been somewhere I mentioned, and said she’d love to go sometime, but didn’t want to go alone. I proposed we go the following week to check it out and she says that she’s didn’t really want to go out after work, maybe the weekend, but probably not. It was weird. She said she would let me know as the date got closer, but that never happened. I stopped texting her and she never texted me either. So that was fun.

I also don’t like how the scammer messages are always like, “I missed my flight, I’m only here for one night, are u busy??” LMAO. It’s Monday. I’m at work, bitch. Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish who’s actually a scammer and who’s actually stuck in town (haha).

So, I’m on dating apps. It’s a blast. I’ll keep you all updated on my interactions.

Commitment Issues

Commitment issues. We’ve all got them, don’t we? No? Okay. Cool, so I definitely do. I don’t know where they stem from. Maybe it was my parents’ divorce that tanked my faith in love and marriage. Or maybe it was my first relationship that showed me the universe and everyone in it was against me being in a happy same-sex relationship. Quite possibly, now, I could be wrong, but quite possibly, it was the second relationship I was in that really did the deed.

The truth is that I don’t know how I got to be so skittish in relationships. The most unfortunate part is that my partner’s never really knew that I was constantly planning an exit “just in case”. If there was any talk about the future, I would always make them very aware that things could change and you never know, someone might die or move or evaporate.

The thought of locking down with someone fucking terrifies me. Dating people terrifies me. What if one of us gets a job offer in another state? What if someone gets diagnosed with a terminal illness? What if we’re together for 4 years and then we get married and then I want a divorce? What if the relationship just doesn’t work? So many “what ifs”.

I mentioned in a previous post that I was going to open myself up to casually dating again. That decision came post previous therapy session where my therapist asked me to really evaluate why I was swearing off dating right now. And I thought about it and determined that if I want human contact, I should go find human contact. I don’t need to propose to anyone, but there’s no reason why I can’t go connect with other humans AND focus on myself. So there.

The Interminglings of Lesbians

This is a short story that concerns something that happened yesterday between me and my roommate. I think it’s actually quite funny, but I don’t think my roommate was as amused as I was.

She was gushing about this new girl she’s been seeing to me and my friend who was visiting. She described a greek goddess and it was clear that she was quite taken with her. Naturally, my friend and I asked for a picture. My roommate pulled up Dream Girl’s Instagram account and I thought she looked familiar… I scrolled down further and stumbled upon pictures I had seen before on another app a few years ago.

I knew this girl. Well, I knew of her. I had spoken maybe 3 words to her once, years ago, back in my little homophobic hometown.

I used to work at O’Reilly Auto Parts and I would sometimes stop by an asian restaurant for some sushi rolls. One day, I was walking in and I was greeted by this beautiful girl- the same girl my roommate is currently talking to.

I asked her for her name and said thank you and left. Later that month, I downloaded a lesbian dating app and she happened to be on it as well. I don’t think we matched on there, but I thought it was funny because I had gotten some “gay vibes” when I met her in the restaurant and her presence on the app confirmed that she at least had same-sex curiosity.

So, yesterday, when I told my roommate that I knew this girl, her face kind of dropped and I hope she doesn’t think we have some sort of history because we definitely have none. I told her that I didn’t date her or even say more than 3 words to her, but her reaction seemed troubling.

We’ll see what happens.

The L Word advertised this chart of all the women who slept with other women and this situation made me think of that because while I don’t know every single lesbian on this planet, it seems that me and my friends all know the same ones, and now my roommate and I have a mutual as well.

Mommy Issues

I didn’t have the best luck in past relationships when it came to my partners’ mothers liking me. The first two relationships that I was in were by far the most disastrous in the mother category, but the ones after that didn’t always work out how I had planned either.

My first girlfriend’s mother liked me just fine right up until she discovered that we were a thing. This first girlfriend of mine is who I consider to be my first love and our relationship was a complicated one. We were both discovering our sexualities and navigating what it meant to be “in a relationship”. In many ways, I felt protective of her because she was battling other demons that had no connection to “coming out” and I would try my best to be there and show her that I loved her. So, when her mother transferred her to another school, I was devastated. Her mother also insisted that there would be no contact between us. No texting, no email, no Facebook Messenger, nothing. Obviously, we found ways to communicate and that went on for over a year, maybe closer to two years. Every now and again, her mother discovered that we were talking and I would receive a simple message saying that Maya would no longer be responding to me. I’d wait a few days, sometimes weeks, and then I’d get a message somewhere.

I think the hardest thing for me was that Maya’s mother never gave me a reason as to why she didn’t want me interacting with her daughter. I gathered that she wasn’t a fan of lesbians, but I couldn’t understand why she had to take such drastic measures to separate us. I’m sure she thought she was doing what was best for her daughter. I’m also sure that it was partially to maintain her image in the community. Now that I’m older, I can say that it was all done out of fear and homophobia. I don’t care about the details. What she did was wrong and it took younger me years to not feel like fucking shit about myself.

Alright. Girlfriend #2’s mom. Girlfriend’s name is Mary. Mary’s mother LOVED me. She even loved me after she found out we were dating. She bought me holiday and birthday gifts. She was interested in my schooling and what I wanted to do in life. She said I was welcome to come over any time.

*Mary’s mother was addicted to opioids and suffered from unaddressed and untreated mental health issues. She was also abusive and manipulative towards Mary and Mary’s brother.*

Mary’s mother loved me. Then Mary and I broke up. Obviously, abusive relationships between parents and children are complicated. While Mary’s mother abused her children, she also felt protective of them. After catching wind of the apparent distress Mary was feeling post breakup, I received a message. I received many messages, actually. In addition to text messages, I also received phone calls at my place of work. I have attached those messages below.

I want to expand on the things mentioned in the texts.

  • After breaking up, I did go on a trip to Key West with Mary per her request. For anyone who’s been in an abusive relationship, you can probably relate to the struggle of cutting ties 100%. Mary told me that I did not owe her anything.
  • Something that was confusing for me was her insistence that there would be no phone calls or anyone coming to her house. As the person who broke up with her daughter, I had zero interest in calling or visiting. I’m not sure why she thought I was contacting her daughter.
  • We drank at my mom’s house and we drank at her mom’s house. All of our parents always knew because I’ve never liked to hide things. If there was any alcohol that was stolen, I never knew anything about it or I was told that it was okay to take.
  • I also don’t know what money she’s referring to that I supposedly took. My best guess is that she figures I tricked Mary into spending whatever money was spent on the Key West trip and she wanted me to reimburse her for everything.

Obviously, Mary’s mother had no idea what dating her daughter was like for me. And I had no reason to tell her because I was 99% sure that Mary got most of her issues from the way her mother treated her. I know that within myself I am a good person. I don’t take advantage of people. I don’t wish feelings of worthlessness on people. I’m not mean. I can’t and don’t “turn people gay”. I know that I am good. I know these things. It’s just difficult to keep telling myself that when several adults have told me the exact opposite.

So, between Mary’s mom’s known mental instability, her abusive history, her drug issues, and her current hatred for the person who made her daughter upset (me), I was very concerned about my safety. I went to the police with my “evidence” and worries in hopes of a restraining order or just some advice. They had nothing for me. I changed my phone number and blocked the entire family. Shortly after, I went to study abroad in Germany. When I returned from that, I signed up for 11 months of service with Americorps NCCC. Upon returning home in May, I immediately started house hunting and found my current home in Atlanta. I have many reasons for wanting to get out of my hometown, but that family was in the top 3.

Girlfriendish #3/girl-I-casually-dated-for-3-months-or-so’s mom wasn’t even really in the picture. I was told by the girl I was seeing that her mom was in denial and that her gayness just didn’t exist. It didn’t come up. It wasn’t bashed, but it also wasn’t at all acknowledged. So that was a great experience in comparison to the previous 2.

Partner #4 is unique in the fact that they’re a man. I will talk more about that choice later, but let’s all pretend it’s not a huge deal and let me get on with my story. Partner #4’s name is Rick. Woohoo! My first not “M” name! Rick’s mother was an absolute gem, truly. She is a fantastic woman. However, everything she thought she knew about me was a lie and she’ll never know the truth and that’s the part that’s irritating to me. She liked someone who didn’t exist. Had I told her that I identified as a lesbian and that I didn’t believe in God, she would have politely told her son to please halt the courtship. Funny enough, Rick knew that I was a lesbian and that I didn’t believe in God. At the end of the day, that’s all that mattered, and I tried not to let the whole mom thing bother me.

The last woman I dated is a beautiful human being. So is her mother. Her mother is my favorite mother. She accepted me completely and I wish I got to know her more. Her mother is also not well; she has COPD and it’s not looking great. Obviously, this woman and I are no longer together and that’s the reason I’m sad about losing contact with the lovely mother who took me as 100% me. They also live in Massachusetts, so an attempt at keeping in touch isn’t as easy as it could be.

So, those are my experiences with previous partners’ mothers. It’s a mixed bag and while the first two really fucking sucked, it did get better in a sense. When I go to date women now, some of the first questions I ask is “Are you out to your parents?”, “Are they comfortable with the LGBTQIA community?” and “How important is religion to you and your family?”. They’re big questions, but they determine a lot for me.

I hope this was insightful and interesting. Thank you for stopping by!

Femme Invisibility

The struggle is quite real when it comes to femme invisibility. As a more feminine presenting lesbian (75% of the time, I’d say), I am often presumed to be straight. This makes dating/meeting people interesting because it often puts me in the position to be the one to make the first move because other women may not always see me as a potential mate.

It also gives me privilege. I “look” straight. I “look” Christian. I can visit my family down south and not have anyone question my physical appearance or mannerisms. I can use the bathrooms I want to without a second glance from others already in there. I don’t normally get called a dyke or lesbo unless I happen to be with a partner.

I recognize the aspect of privilege when it comes to being mostly feminine presenting; however, I want to talk more about the frustrations because they are issues that I have dealt with and that I continue to deal with.

As a “chapstick & part time lipstick lesbian”- contrary to what the media likes to advertise- I don’t find myself super attracted to super masculine presenting women. I’m not opposed to dating them, but they’re not normally who I “swipe right” on.

I like women. I like curves. I like boobs. I like dresses. I like long hair. I like girly women. I think I also like women who are like me: kind of in between, go with the flow, can wear a dress or a suit and feel damn good no matter what she’s wearing. I like fashion fluidity.

It’s funny that I talk about the struggles of not being able to properly advertise myself physically as a lesbian because it’s not like I’m that much better at picking out more feminine lesbians myself. I will admit that I believe in gaydar 100% and I think mine is in pretty good shape.

I rely on eye contact and a woman’s walk a lot. That’s just me.

In all seriousness, femme invisibility is a thing, yes, but it doesn’t keep me up at night. I think other lesbians also need to be more accepting of lipsticks because they’re not all straight girls in disguise looking for an experiment. Be more optimistic when approaching a feminine presenting woman.