I’ve gotta be honest…

I have not been doing well. I have over 50 draft blog posts and I haven’t finished or published any of them. They’ve been accumulating for quite some time now and I don’t like that.

My brain has been really foggy and I’ve been feeling more anxious. I sleep a little better now since we installed a 6 foot privacy fence; I don’t overthink so much about someone breaking in through my bedroom window.

I finally put in my resignation at my current job, but I will remain employed until I have another offer. I have a very good relationship with my supervisors, so they are allowing me to stay as long as is needed, which I really appreciate.

Anyway, back to my woes: I wake up in the mornings and I feel okay. Not great, but not bad. I’ve been sleeping longer than usual and it’s just because I can’t find a reason to get up early. Once I do get up, I sit down at my computer and start working and my brain just melts. I don’t want to work.

As the day progresses, I apply to jobs in between tasks. I get up often to just wander about my house and pop into my partner’s office.

Today, I finally succeeded in making an appointment with a therapist for next Monday. I’ve been trying to get in touch with other therapists for about 1 month now, but they ghost me, don’t take my insurance, or they just have no availability.

As I type these words I am bored and annoyed and tired. I want to sleep and be by myself and just wallow in my negative thoughts. It’s not a comfortable feeling, but I am unsure of what to do about it. That is why therapy is on Monday.

My mom suggested we get Ethiopian food together. I countered her offer by asking if she’d rather pick it up and eat it at home, but she said she needed an excuse to get out of the house. I dread going out of the house. It’s not so much agoraphobia, but more of I can’t be bothered to put effort into my appearance and do something outside of my cave.

My best friend is coming over on Saturday and I know I will enjoy that, but it’s just for a few hours. What will I do when she leaves?

A few years ago, when someone would ask me about my activities, I had a long list of things that I was involved in. Lots of them were side jobs to make money and also just visiting friends and family. For an introvert, I was quite the social butterfly. But I don’t even know who that person is. Sure, I get caught up in house projects, but those are on hold right now because we need to save money. I also shouldn’t rely on home improvement as the cure to my sadness.

It’s just been hard.

It’s One of “Those” Days

I think it began last night, when I drove home during a thunderstorm/flash flood warning. I was driving 40mph on the interstate and trying to focus on my breathing. I don’t know what it is about driving through the rain at night, but it makes me so incredibly anxious. I wore my headphones to block out some of the noise.

This morning, I woke up a 6:00am. I got dressed, grabbed my food, and walked about the door. As I sat in my car and listened to the radio for a few minutes. Then I turned it off. I could feel that my mind was tired. I didn’t sleep terribly and I went to bed before midnight. I just felt really weak.

On my way to work I picked up some Post Its at Kroger. There were a lot of school buses on the roads because school has started again.

Now I’m in the office building. I went to the bathroom to adjust my bra straps; they were too loose and falling off of my shoulders. I returned to my work area and poured some of my homemade granola into a mug because I did not bring a bowl. The granola proceeded to spill into my mug and everywhere else as well. I got up to get the broom and ran my right thigh into the pointy handle of the drawer next to it. I grabbed the broom and returned to the crime scene.

So, here I am. I’m eating mediocre granola cereal and trying to keep my eyes open. I’m hungry and full at the same time. I feel like I could both sleep forever and never sleep again. I could cry and laugh simultaniously.

I’ll be staying late at work today. We’re doing troubleshooting exercises and there’s a new girl to train. There’s nothing interesting at my house anyway.